Before every hand in this article is one of my favorite kind of joke, the one that starts, "X, Y, and Z walk into a bar," where X, Y, and Z can be anyone or anything, the bartender is always named Joe and everyone knows him. Here's an example:

A penguin walks into a bar and says, "Hey Joe, has my brother been in today?"
Joe replies, "I dunno, what does he look like?"

A dog walks into a bar. He's wearing a $1,000 pinstripe suit, a blinding white shirt, a blue striped tie, and patent leather wingtips. He walks over to the bar and says, "Hey, Joe, gimme a scotch and toilet water."

Action	Score	Panel	% Solvers
2	100	10	38
Pass	50	3	30
1	50	3	26
4	10	0	6

You, South, hold  AK8653   64   Void   J8742

What's your call?

Well, it seems like we're going to bid spades, but how many? Probably 1S or 2S. 3S would be a bit peculiar and 4S a bit aggressive. Then there's Pass, let's see what the panel has to say.

SPEAR:  2S. I am bidding with extra playing strength, and then I hope to bid 3C, and then I hope not to be doubled.

KAPLAN:  2S. I realize that this hand has a lot of playing strength and is stronger than most 2S openers. Yet, I cannot bring myself to open 1S and I think bidding is superior to passing. Ergo, we are left with 2S!

Ergo indeed.

MERRITT:  2S. If I start with 2S, my hand is limited, and I have no problem making a second bid. If I then bid clubs, partner will get a pretty good sense of my hand. This also gives me the full advantage of taking up the whole 2 level.

Scott is the first panelist to mention the preemptive effect of 2S. A lot of red cards are unaccounted for and, if possible, we want them to stay that way!

RABIDEAU:  2S Perfect... unless I don't get a chance to make another bid and partner has clubs.

DIEBEL:  Pass. Close between pass and 2S. I'm not going to get shut out of this auction and a spade or club slam is not out of the question.

It sounds like you're worried about 2S being passed out. Certainly possible, but I wouldn't lose any sleep worrying about it.

Two hydrogen atoms float into a bar.

The first one says, "Oh no, I've lost my electron."

The second one says, "Are you sure?"

The first one says, "I'm positive."

Action	Score	Panel	% Solvers
Dbl	100	8	32
3	90	6	55
2NT	50	0	2
Pass	10	2	5
4	10	0	6

You, South, hold  KQ92   Q10765   Q6   84

What's your call?

What's going on with West here? He didn't bid 1S over 1H, but now he's balancing with 2S over 2H. Maybe the Panel will understand.

HUDSON:  DBL. In spite of my five hearts, my hand looks poor for offense, good for defense. Partner will probably pass my double, given his pass the previous round. We may not beat it, but this is matchpoints.

STRITE:  DBL. I think I'm going plus here, so why not add a few zeros to the end of my score? Partner can still pull.

Mostly when people say things like, "Partner can still pull," they're just getting ready to defend themselves in the post mortem, but this double shows the hand so well that partner really should be able to make a good decision.

WALKER:  DBL. The fifth heart argues for offense, but my spades are just too good to let this one go by. I'm expecting at least +300. West probably has a 4-card suit.

KNIEST:  DBL. You can't let them play this undoubled. Bidding 3H is like bending over or spreading your legs. Sorry if you can't quote me on this one. ;-)

Sounds like you play in a pretty tough game, Tom, but not tough enough for . . .

PAULO:  3H. It's likely that there are 17 total tricks; then, following the Law, I must compete to the three-level.

SPEAR:  3H. I seem to get the best results from bidding one more here, but would pass at IMPs trying for a small plus.

FELDHEIM: 3 H. With a 9-card fit, doubling 2S is simply too dangerous. Pass is a 'nothing' bid. If the opponents continue, I'll double 3S.

KAPLAN:  Pass. Incredibly wussy on my part, but bidding may turn a plus into a minus, and as for doubling, even at matchpoints, you have to have a reasonable idea that you're beating the hand.

Now that you mention it, that is kind of wussy.

Jesus walks into a bar and says, "Hey Joe, gimme a wine glass full of water."

Action	Score	Panel	%  Solvers
DBL	100	6	40
5	90	5	21
6	80	3	6
5NT	60	1	2
5	40	1	4
Pass	10	0	27

You, South, hold  98732   J765   J832   Void

What's your call?

This is one of those hands where you wish you had a "Yuck" card in your bidding box. Bidding 5S seems to contradict everything we've learned about 5-level situations, but will anyone double with their club void? And what does partner's Pass mean? The standard idea is that a Strong Two-Bid is forcing until either we reach game or double the opponents, which means that all below game passes are forcing. Let's see how the panel claws it's way out of this one.

Some panelists have given up on the 5-level altogether.

HUDSON:  5NT. If partner's not doubling, neither am I. I'll let him pick a slam; at least we'll be playing in the right suit (though maybe the wrong level).

Spear: 6C.  My club void may be duplication, but I can cover a couple of losers opposite a 3-suiter, so I will bid 6Cs and remove 6Ds to 6H, trying to show both majors.

PAULO:  5S. Partner's pass is forcing, and he didn't envisage a penalty double of his own and neither did he introduce a suit of his own; so, I must bid my longest suit, anemic as it is.

DIEBEL:  5S. Partner is asking me to bid with any reason, and I've got one.

WALKER:  5S. Partner's pass is takeout. It should be a VERY strong one, since he knows I have no aces or kings but is still suggesting we play a 5-level contract.

Yup, the reason to bid is that partner's pass is forcing, and the reason to bid spades is that it's your longest suit. Bridge is such an easy game!

KAPLAN: 5D Partner doesn't want to double this? I'm crossing my fingers that 5D is "pass or correct."

I don't think so, I'd say partner's pass asked you to penalty double them or bid your best suit, so I think you're going to be stuck in diamonds no matter what support partner has. Still, some panelists think there is a way to pass the buck back to partner again.

MATHENY:  DBL. Let partner make the final decision. He must know I don't have clubs.

DODD:  DBL. YUCK! Only saving grace is that North knows we have garbage in the way of high cards. Let's hope this conveys our message of spread out "support", although I can't see how. No other call makes any sense whatsoever.

MERRITT:  DBL. You can't really pass and you surely can't bid one of these suits.

Maybe partner's double is one of those that says, "Do something intelligent!," and our double back says, "Sorry pard, I'm just not feeling very intelligent today!" Still, excellent that we got some people to double with a void. The doublers are hoping it just means that we don't want to bid anything else, but sadly, I don't think so, I think it's penalty.

A grasshopper hops into a bar.

Joe says, "Hey, you know we've got a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper replies, "You have a drink named Steve??"

Action	Score	Panel	%  Solvers
3NT	100	11	50
4	80	3	28
4	60	2	6
4	50	0	3
4	20	0	3
Pass	10	0	10

*Forcing - could be artificial

You, South, hold  Void   AJ9743   Q10863   A6

What's your call?

Anybody else have the feeling that we're watching a slow-motion train wreck? 3C is a 4th-suit bid, probably forcing to game. 3NT is the obvious next bid but that looks to be a dreadful contract. Maybe we can jump off the tracks by passing; a 7-0 spade fit would probably play better than 3NT, but partner might not be thrilled by our passing a forcing bid. Let's see how the panel avoids becoming a glob of nasty goop on the rails.

Hudson: 3NT. Not that I want to play it here. My bidding has made it inconvenient to show the sixth heart.

DODD:  3NT. Ugly, but what else can I do?

KNIEST:  3NT. I can't pass 3S with an established partnership, and certainly can't insist on hearts, so I make my final descriptive bid - I show my club stopper

It's that "established partnership" that's the problem, it's easy to come up with hands where 3S is your last makeable contract, but passing forcing bids will put doubt in partner's mind when complex auctions come up in the future, so it's probably not worth it.

SPEAR:  3NT. This seems obvious, but I will not predict a unanimous panel.

Jack, you've predicted a unanimous panel several times on past forums with no luck, Well finally, here it is, everyone bid 3NT! Oops, not quite.

FELDHEIM:  4C. With an invitational spade hand, North could have bid 3S. Therefore, I'm presuming a forcing-to-game auction. I'm not sure where this hand belongs and will pass partners' next bid (unless 4D).

DIEBEL:  4C. Partner's hand was AKJTxxx, Kx, J, Qxx. I realize 4C agrees spades, but his spades can't be any worse than the actual hand. I think partner needs to know about the Club Ace.

I knew this auction was missing something, and there it is: A Slam Try.

PAULO: 4H. I show my sixth heart, and bid what may be our only game contract.

I dunno what's currently fashionable on these hands, but it might be bidding 3H over 3C and then diamonds later, I wonder if that's what Jim Hudson was talking about?

BRIDGEBARON: 4H. Bridge Baron considers itself to have denied holding six hearts with its failure to rebid 2H. When forced to bid now, it belatedly tries to catch up.

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Hey Joe, gimme a beer and a mop."

Action	Score	Panel	% Solvers
DBL	100	9	13
3	80	6	61
3	70	1	8
Pass	50	0	6
4	20	0	8
3	10	0	2
3	10	0	2

*Clubs & hearts

You, South, hold  A9865   Q84   K72   Q4

What's your call?

Our East here sounds like he must be the partner of West from Problem 2. He had a chance to bid hearts or clubs or 2NT over 1D, but he passed and now throws in an early balance over 2S. What nefarious scheme does he have in mind, and how can we thwart it?

DIEBEL:  DBL. I'm letting partner know right now who has the balance of power. I don't expect to defend, but if partner hits West's choice, I will sit for it. Otherwise I will settle for an encouraging non-forcing 3S.

KAPLAN:  DBL. And, if partner chooses not to double 3C (my guess as the most likely bid they will make), I will then bid 3S and hope I've shown an invitational hand.

I'd say it shows about invitational strength, and also tells partner that we likely have some club and heart cards of dubious value.

MATHENY:  3S. My two queens may have just become worthless. With a fit in diamonds and spades, I am not going to suggest defending.

RABIDEAU:  3D. Another toughie, but the fifth spade and diamond fit convince me to make a try. I see those queens in RHO's suits but he doesn't have a LOT of high-card points.

And for every collection of "walked into a bar" jokes you have to have one of these
Joke 6

A Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi walk into a bar. Someone commented that preaching to people isn't really all that difficult, and a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to try it. They'd go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

The next day they came back to the bar to discuss their experience. The Priest, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and was heavily bandaged said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear, and when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. The bear wasn't interested and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion.

Reverend Billy Bob was next, he was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, I FOUND me a bear too, and began to read to my bear from GOD'S HOLY WORD, but that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another right into a creek, so I quickly DUNKED that bear and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb, we spent the rest of the day praising Jesus...Hallelujah!

The priest and the Reverend both looked at the Rabbi, who had just been wheeled into the bar on a hospital bed. He was in the worst shape of the three by far, every bone that could be broken was broken and he had IVs and monitors running in and out of every vein. The Priest and the Preacher leaned way over the Rabbi's bed to hear what he had to say, and in a tiny, whispery voice The Rabbi said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Action	Score	Panel	Solvers
3NT	100	7	12
3	90	3	23
Pass	80	4	12
2	60	2	35
2NT	40	0	18

You, South, hold 103   A1092   4   AQ9875

What's your call?

STRITE:  3NT. Shape of a textbook 3C invitational, but this hand is too strong. We could have nine off the top, and will be no worse than nine on a finesse.

Yup, partner's 1NT rebid could indicate stoppers in the unbid suits, e.g. Kx of clubs.

KNIEST:  3NT. Points, schmoints.  I have tricks and an entry. Should make if pard has a club honor or any length. Sounds like they can run 4 spades at the most. While bidding 3C would show this type of shape, it's too good for that.

DODD:  3NT. This is the kind of dummy you table and then immediately head out for a smoke if North goes pale or turns red upon seeing it.

Does going pale or turning red show different kinds of emotional distress?

MERRITT:  3C. Isn't this old-school new minor forcing? 2C would be forcing, so 3C is invitational?

NELSON:  3C. I believe this bid shows this hand -- longer clubs than hearts and invitational.

WALKER:  3NT. Another 50-percent contract -- it either makes or doesn't, probably based on whether clubs run or they don't. I think 3C shows a weak 4-6 hand in BWS.

I thought 3C showed an invitational 4-6 hand.

KAPLAN:  Pass. No good choice now other than pass. I do not think that this hand is good enough to invite.

I dunno, Peg, seems kinda "Wussy" again. If 3C was passed out, that still sounds like a better contract than 1NT.

FELDHEIM:  2C. New minor forcing followed by three clubs should describe this hand. The 4-3 heart game could easily be correct.

PAULO:  2C. This looks like a partscore deal; even at Matchpoints, our best strain should be clubs, not notrump.

I dunno, I think partner will take that auction as something like 5-5 in the round suits.

SPEAR: Pass. This seems obvious, but I will not predict a unanimous panel.

Good non-prediction!

All done with the jokes, but...

If you like science jokes and you like "walked into a bar" jokes, you might want to check out a comedian named Brian Malow. Google him and you'll find Youtubes of some of his comedy routines.

Or if you're interested in philosophy, you might try a book called (and I'm not making this up) Plato and a Platypus Walk Into a Bar.

Or you might try their web site --  PlatoandaPlatypus.